Hooray!!! & A Visit to the Delaware Museum of Natural History

All applications are IN! I turned in my choice school's application well ahead of time, but was still waiting on some materials to arrive with my application. So, when I received the email that my application was complete, I was more than relieved.

A floor display at the DMNH

I had some holiday leave from work that I had to take before January 12^th, so I took that as a perfect opportunity to visit the Delaware Natural History Museum (DMNH). I certainly wish google maps told exact toll amounts because for the round-trip I spent $20 in tolls and probably around $30 in gas – I’m very thankful that I brought a larger sum of cash.

It was certainly an expensive, but worthwhile trip – especially with snowflakes greeting me at the rest station where I stopped briefly both ways.I was delighted to find bronze statues of an assortment of animals speckled around the museum and parking lot. Had I gone with a companion, I’m sure a photo-op would have been in order! Instead, I parked and walked through the doors into a lobby where a model giant squid (Architeuthis dux) hung overhead and a sign boasted one of the top ten largest mollusk collections in the United States. Walking to the reception desk, I had some fond nostalgia for my days working at the National Museum of Dentistry and some slight pain at the fact that it doesn’t look like it’s going to come through for a weekend job. I really miss working there sometimes – being behind the scenes of a museum. I didn’t know what to expect when I met the Curator of Mollusks, Dr. Liz Shea, but she promptly whisked me upstairs for a chat and behind-the-scenes tour of the DMNH. We chatted about committees, meetings, museums, DNA extractions, digitizing databases, and she showed me the tissue specimens. I really don't know where I'd be without people who take me under their wing in ways like this. I always feel so lost in this process. I am really looking forward to mentoring future students someday who are in my spot and giving them the guidance that's been so hard for me to find.

Now That It's Over...

Now that it is over and some time has passed, I have the energy to discuss the application process for the National Science Foundation's Graduate Research Fellowship Program (NSF GRFP). This is the kind of funding that is up for grabs:

$198,000,000 - Each Fellowship consists of three years of support usable over a five- year period. For each year of support, NSF provides a stipend of $30,000 to the Fellow and a cost-of-education allowance of $10,500 to the degree-granting institution. For 2012, it is anticipated that the cost-of-education allowance will increase to $12,000, as indicated in the FY2012 Budget Request.

I can honestly say that writing that research proposal was one of the most mentally challenging and time-consuming essays (for the length) I've ever written. This was just too much money not to try for and the good news is that I can try again next year if I do not get it this year!

Also, I turned in a graduate school application yesterday (the day it was due because I was waiting on a single letter of recommendation). My transcripts arrived and everything is in order. One more to go that is due January 15th!

Neil deGrasse Tyson and I Weigh in on Mainstream Science and The Big Bang Theory

I am in the midst of writing my personal statement for graduate school and an NSP Fellowship, culminating all of the events and experiences that have brought me to this point in my life and to my desire to be a scientist, trying to convince these bodies that I am "worthy." And I would like to take a small break from writing to ... write some more (gosh what is wrong with me?)... to address the point above Dr. Tyson has brought up via his twitter account. I've witnessed a deal of animosity about this show in particular from some in the science community.

If I had to sum up what it is to write a personal statement is in one word (other than exhausting) it would most certainly be - awkward. With a less than traditionally competitive application, my personal statement really has to be inspiring and interesting while remaining honest and open. Those who know me well, know that there are certain topics involving certain emotions I avoid at all costs when it comes to certain experiences (and people) I've endured. These various events, while having shaped me tremendously as a person, are not at all easy things for me to share with others. Comfort with vulnerability is something I've been working at for some time now. That said, I'd like to take this opportunity to discuss one such instance and how it has shaped me. I've included a small portion thus far in my personal statement (which is also currently highlighted in green - which means "I am not very confident in this section, edit/delete/keep?") so I've had some time to examine and reflect.

Substance abuse has had a prevalence in my family which has certainly shaped me into the responsible, independent, empathetic, enthusiastic, capricious, and also self-critical, slightly (:P) obsessive person I have become today. However, that is not even really what I want to talk about here. Because home life after a certain age was less than desirable, I always found immense solace at school and developed a keen zest for learning. I lived a very isolated existence in my elementary school, branded "weird" and a "nerd" with little to no friends as a result. The fact that I wore nothing but hand-me-down and thrift store clothes probably didn't help much either. I can remember it not really affecting me at the time, really just focusing on what I did have - a handful of friends outside of school who were just as odd as me, animals and the woods that surrounded our house, where I would retreat daily, and school - I loved learning! School excited me like nothing else - a place where I could ask questions and make mistakes, where my mind was busy and I was happy. I was invited to maybe one sleepover and one birthday party total from the kids in my school until 5th grade- I suspect my mother had some sort of influence in this, as one of the kids was a neighbor and the other's mother was an acquaintance of hers.

I remember in 4th grade, our teacher made the announcement that a little girl had moved to our area from China and that she did not yet speak English and was likely going to quite nervous at her new school - our school! I couldn't believe it! I girl was coming to our school from the other side of the world? I wondered what kinds of things she could teach us and how different her life would be now as an American. I decided then that I would make it my mission to become this girl's friend - to show her the ropes and to help teach her English. Much to my surprise, her and I did become friends and I no longer felt like an outcast. She showed me how to make geometric paper shapes with the leftover computer paper and even gave me a pineapple eraser from her tiny, adorable, and stocked pencil case. All was well until the 5th grade picnic. Every year in August, my elementary school would hold a picnic where parents and kids would come to share food and to see "the list" posted, allocating each student to a teacher. There were only two 5th grade teachers, so I knew I had a pretty good chance of landing the same class as my new friend. Not surprisingly (in the scheme of things), we were not in the same class and I was absolutely crushed. She ended up finding a niche (and more than just one friend) in her class,which is something that really hurt me at the time, but that I understood a few years later. The poor girl! What had I done as the most un-popular girl in school (save the girl who ate pads of butter in the cafeteria and who even had at least ONE friend) by be-friending this poor girl and dooming her to a pretty lonely elementary existence?

My story (and hers I hope) works out well in the end because I ended up gaining a few friends of my own in 5th grade (and also some hand-me-down "name brand" clothing and nike shoes) and got accepted to a magnet middle school far from there, where I was surrounded by like-minded individuals in a stimulating, enriching environment (where we wore uniforms!). I originally fought my parents tooth and nail to go to the local middle school. How cruel of them to force me to go to "the nerd school" where I knew no one and had finally made a group of friends! I am so thankful that they refused to budge, unwilling to let me attend such a "trashy" local school, when a magnet school was available.

My point here is that maybe if there were more characters in media who were geeky, or dorky, or weird, or strange maybe I would have had more of a chance in elementary school. No child should be discouraged to follow their interests - no matter how nerdy or offbeat. I am thankful that I generally cared more about learning and my own "weirdo" interests than I did about having friends, but not all kids are that lucky. I certainly have gone through phases where I questioned (and regrettably a few times acted on) trying to have more mainstream interests or just budging a little bit to gain some social standing. I've witnessed many of my peers being critical of "nerdiness" becoming trendy or popular or mainstream. But, if shows like The Big Bang Theory exist, which show likable, relatable characters who are also over-the-top geeks, even it means they are making cracks at themselves (and "geekdom" in general) every once in a while, I am all for it.

Being smart shouldn't be taboo. Being interested in science should not be uncool. I, for one, am thrilled it's becoming something I've never been and no longer have any interest in becoming (save for the very purposes of spreading my love of science) - popular.

Small Update

This has been my life as of late: Lots of emails, meetings, reading and LOTS of scholarly articles. I've met with four of the professors from my department about getting letters of recommendation. So far, I've gotten such good feedback - tons of great advice and pretty much all of them have said that I am on the right track and that they are impressed with where I am at and where I have been since graduating. I have mostly considered my time since graduating a waste up until this month. Mainly because I am now 25 and don't really have anything to "show" for myself. But, like Dr. Miller said, I've done a variety of things that do not look like a direct path, but whose cumulative impact has brought me to this definitive point in my life. It feels really good to know now that my decisions so far have been sound.

Money Woes

Why is it so hard to break out the lower middle class?? Unforeseen circumstances since last summer have dwindled my savings by over $6000. First, I ended up spending something like 3x more in Finland than I expected to because we were out of a place to stay. Then there were car issues and living off my savings while trying to find a job. Then there were the medical bills with no insurance and deposits on apartments and everyday household items. And finally college (including a new laptop) and books. It makes me sick to think about. It makes me sick to log into my bank account or my credit card account. I don't know how I am ever going to recover my savings to what it was.

I've been working and saving since I was 15. I deeply resent the fact that I've had to do this to essentially pay for my own transportation because my grades were much more mediocre than they could have been. Maybe I would never have stopped with Physics and would be on the right track now. I went to college thinking things would get better, thinking I would be making a comfortable living after graduating. I now make less than $30k a year so that I can have health benefits. I now counted on having a Saturday job, where I can now no longer work. I'm already stretched so thin. I barely spend money on myself that isn't food. In the past month, I've spent $40 on an oil change, $70 on a new serpentine belt for my car, $100 for new front brakes and rotors, $105 for a new battery and now $140 for a new alternator and $168 in towing - $623 in repairs and maintenance. THANKFULLY, Chris has helped me out a ton and probably saved me more than $20 on the brakes, $10 on the battery, and $20 for the alternator. I feel like I should be looking into getting another car, but my savings in so uncomfortably low that I don't want to touch it.

These decisions are so tough to make and I always feel like I make the wrong decision and have to YET AGAIN learn from my mistakes. I always wish I had some sort of mentor to give me advice and guide me in the right direction. Now, I also have to figure out how to pay for the rest of college. I feel like my options are so limited and I refuse to go into debt, so I don't know how I am going to make it. What kills me is $623 like this will make or break me and throw EVERYTHING off, but is like pennies to other people.

I think I'll end on focusing on what I DO have and what I am thankful for because every good rant needs this kind of balance.

1. Chris who has been a godsend in this whole process. He has work and then an exam right after and is coming right to my house after to install an alternator at 9 p.m. His selflessness seriously brings tears to my eyes. I have no idea how I am going to ever repay him for all of the amazing things he's done for me.
2. My Aunt Kathleen for riding me to PepBoys today and her and my Uncle John for giving me this truck to begin with. I honestly don't feel like I deserve the kindness they've afforded over the years.
3. Luke, who rode me to PepBoys a few days ago and didn't complain once that my terrible day was hindering his and in the way of getting his stuff done.
4. Being employed and not having to worry about my health or a steady paycheck coming in. Also, having a wonderful understanding boss and co-workers who are ready and willing to help me out, drive me to work, cover the phones, and just generally be sympathetic.
5. The AAA service person and gentleman who stopped to make sure I was alright and who offered to tow me at least from the dangerous spot where I had broken down and who also saved me money by having me purchase a AAA membership and also the peace of mind that I won't have to worry about breaking down and being stranded again.
6. Finally feeling like I have a home.
7. No longer feeling ill every single day.
8. Knowing what I want to do with my life... no matter how hard sometimes it seems like to get there.

Yesterday

I didn't find my headphones, but I did buy them out of a vending machine for $3.80 in the new Retriever Learning Center (RLC) yesterday at UMBC! Vending machine? You read it right! They have one with pencils, pens, staplers, headphones, calculators, etc. I had almost exactly $4.00 on my campus card so I treated myself, as my headphones and ipod USB adapter have been missing since the move.

Yesterday was certainly an odd day. Headphones out of vending machines and CERN possibly BREAKING LIGHT SPEED!! I had originally planned to leave the RLC when my friend texted me to tell me he'd gotten to Astronomy Club, but I finished a calculus problem with 15 minutes until Astronomy Club started, so I thought it not best to delve into another problem. I walked in and sat down and as people were filing in, exclamation like "Physics is broken!" were being said. Someone mentioned that CERN had broken lightspeed. I became overwhelmed with excitement so, I immediately looked it up. For up to an hour after, I was shaking and my heart was pounding at the implications of this. If it is true, it sure is going to change a lot! Exciting times for Physics ahead!

CERN: Light Speed May Have Been Exceeded By Subatomic Particle

“GENEVA — One of the very pillars of physics and Einstein’s theory of relativity – that nothing can go faster than the speed of light – was rocked Thursday by new findings from one of the world’s foremost laboratories.

European researchers said they clocked an oddball type of subatomic particle called a neutrino going faster than the 186,282 miles per second that has long been considered the cosmic speed limit….

CERN reported that a neutrino beam fired from a particle accelerator near Geneva to a lab 454 miles (730 kilometers) away in Italy traveled 60 nanoseconds faster than the speed of light. Scientists calculated the margin of error at just 10 nanoseconds. (A nanosecond is one-billionth of a second.)”
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/09/22/cern-light-speed_n_977014.html

SPS

So, my plans of joining and actively participating in the Society of Physics Students (SPS) are foiled because they meet on weekdays at noon. I did, however, email the President to offer my services and get on the listserv. The following email correspondence to the entire group makes me even more disappointed about the meeting times:

tick tock

I had my first official break down of the semester today. I guess we all have horrible days like today every once in a while. Mine started with being almost 45 minutes late to work sitting in traffic and being forced to use my grinded down brake pads that I just KNOW are wearing down my rotors. I am paying Chris to put new ones on on Friday, but I am just so terrified my car won;t make it that long. With class directly after work Mon-Thurs, there simply aren't enough hours in the day for car repairs.

Once I got in, I had to de-duplicate a mailing list.... which is basically taking off all of the duplicate entries that arise due to married couples being solicited together. So, I had to delete one spouse and change the salutation. This excel file had 21,000-some rows and it took all day long. At the end of the day, when I went to sort my list to get rid of the spaces, I got a continual error stating that there were not enough free space to perform that function. There wasn't even enough free space to delete one single row T_T So, tomorrow, I get to do the entire thing all over again. That was just the beginning...

I get to my calculus class and realize that we have a quiz in discussion that I did not even realize. I was not super pressed because we get to drop something like 4 quizzes, even though that would definitely start me off on the wrong foot. I just go ahead now and say I did terrible on the quiz because I couldn't factor something with a fraction in it quick enough because my dumb ass had been relying on my calculator too much in doing homework as a way to save time.

Lastly, after class, let's just say I had a humiliating "female problem" (also in Computer Science I was made to come up the board and I wrote "6" first for 100/64... so dumb).

I just want this so bad. I've never wanted something so badly in my life. I want to be in school. I want to be learning. I need more time in the day. I am not sleeping, I am filling up so much spare time with homework and studying (when I am not taking care of things like bills and car repairs and grocery shopping) and there still doesn't seem like enough time in the day. I didn't even want to write this entry... but it is probably an important chronicle. Now, I just need to work on being jealous of everyone else who has time to study :/

First Day Back (ie. Summer is Officially Over)

Yesterday brought the first day of classes and much hustle and bustle both here at Towson University and at UMBC. I got to take a trip on campus today to deliver a package and meet one of our Founder's Society co-chairs and headed over to our 7800 Building. There, I saw a gaggle of students lounging, sipping Starbucks, playing on their phones, and sleeping... all dressed to the nines in their brand new school clothes. What a stark contrast stepping onto campus at UMBC, though! Most just seemed to be wearing their favorite shirt (ie. a faded zelda shirt, tie dye, etc.) and I overheard at least two conversations about "leveling up" and "raiding". The boy who sat next to me in Calculus II was reading Hawking's Illustrated "A Brief History of Time/The Universe in a Nutshell". Speaking of nutshells, I also got to see the infamous UMBC squirrels in all of their hole-digging, tree-gymnastics glory.

The verdict on my Calculus II class? It's going to be a TON of work and very difficult. My teacher, thankfully, is very enthusiastic and detailed. However, he talks like a madman... so quickly! I decided halfway through the class that I will not be able to take the Saturday Finnish classes. I will take them next semester as a reward for doing well this semester (and if I still know I can handle it). Bad news, though, is that the bookstore was closed before I could buy books yesterday so I am already one day behind on homework. I am so anxious to get started! :D